ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
❤️🦆
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
based al yankovic
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”