I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot