Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
You Might Also Like
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”