@Matt_The_1st: Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house
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@envydatropic: I don't care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you're going to need a dentist.
@david8hughes: [at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello
@SamGrittner: You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?