Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: