*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start