*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I know karate and tons of other words.