6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying