If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally