Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
guys i’ve cracked the code
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol