@LarryJLund: Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn't send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
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@MableGertrude: I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
@HEYWATCHMETWEET: Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there's a horse there, the queen is watching.
@Home_Halfway: INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*
@MrsMikePatton: God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.