Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that