Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”