exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
This is amazing.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie