exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Baking is just science you can eat.