My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
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Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…