[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you