[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
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Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
no one ever comes back
That time Alicia messaged me
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.