“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
You Might Also Like
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”