Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.