[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Nothing.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
spot the difference