doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week