Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
You Might Also Like
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Van Gone
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*