[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Monday
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.