[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I’m Sold!
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.