Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.