Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Lmaoo 😂
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.