Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The photographer’s assistant
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …