Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps