@Shot_Of_Cabo: My daughter found a new boyfriend. I'm just glad the police haven't found the old one.

@MUMSIEesq: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring open containers of alcohol in here. ME: This is a service beer.

@IamEnidColeslaw: Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, "Like you mean it."

@TheTweetOfGod: For Jesus this was anything but a Good Friday.

@OfficialMizGin: Years ago I went to a job placement agency. I left disappointed. Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.