EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The two types of wives
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?