EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Where’s my employee discount too?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Blew my mind.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Cats (2019)
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.