Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”