*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..