Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
You Might Also Like
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender