“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My doctor鈥檚 office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I鈥檓 not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Don鈥檛 open any messages you get from me. I鈥檓 not hacked, I鈥檓 just really mean
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren鈥檛 we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I鈥檓 working on it.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I鈥檓 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…