“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Who’s your best friend?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it