“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there