Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*seductively eats two tums*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”