@josePhDhoran: Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology
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@PetrickSara: "You saw nothing." -me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
@LizHackett: Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
@SortaBad: [turns to guy at next urinal] "When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion"
@StatusInBeirut: If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.