Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
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me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Cheers Twitter.