me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
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unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please