Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
when nothing goes right… go left
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Received some very disappointing news today
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working