@NateMorrising: Excuse me miss, you're a cat - a man who doesn't know how to cat call
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@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
@withanewname: Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! ... EVERYWHERE! ... SEND...HELP! "Sir we don't ..." Me: OMG! DON'T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: It's not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t. Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t. 4: Want to trade?