Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
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One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.