“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro