SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*