you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Mis茅rables
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Red Skull鈥檚 name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it鈥檚 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don鈥檛 do that
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don鈥檛 care feed me
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 馃檨
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I got 99 socks but a pair ain鈥檛 one
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Not messing around
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I鈥檝e been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I鈥檝e ever used it I think we鈥檙e OK for a minute
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i鈥檒l take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don鈥檛 serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir