excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Oh we’ve met.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Dyslexics are teople poo!
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.