Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
PARKOUR
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed