How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
back to work
We’ve all been there
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over