@darrinfb: Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.
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@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
@EndhooS: [Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
@AlexReekie: Just wrote "58008" on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up. I hate the future.