excuse me
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Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.