@LizHackett: "Excuse the mess; we had guests," I graciously explain, leaving out the "five months ago" part.
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@KentWGraham: My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
@EndhooS: [1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist
@SamuelHLowe: - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you! - Don't be selfish, think about the baby. - What baby? - Oh, so you're not pregnant?
@Terdoh: If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called "Responsibly". I wouldn't even have to pay for advertising.