Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
You Might Also Like
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping