Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
wish me luck lads
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.